TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have A further put where American Adult men can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply Anyone a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That Trump Tower Damascus is comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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